My Awakening Moment
As a young girl I absolutely loved God! I always had a heart for wanting to please God with my life. I loved going to church with my grandmother on Sunday mornings…it brought joy to my heart. It was during these times that my affection for God was ignited and grew. I learned of missionaries and their purpose to go and heal the world through good deeds and God’s word. This spoke to my own heart and I told my grandmother I too would become a missionary. My decision to live for God was filled with excitement!
As a teen I joined a mega church whose ministry was based in faith. I was taught how to exercise my faith and the importance of trusting God for all of my needs. I applied my teachings to my own life and began believing for things I wanted. I was on fire! This “faith” thing was working! I was in the zone! I told myself that if I just kept going to church, studying God’s word, abiding by his word, and exercising my faith I would be alright! I had this formula down to a tee!…so I thought.
I went away to college filled with powerful spiritual teachings. I understood the precepts of faith and applying God’s word to your circumstances. I prayed and claimed my desired housing preference every year…and Yes I got exactly what I prayed for. I applied my faith to my study habits and became an honor student; receiving scholarships and even graduating before my time. I graduated in December instead of May! I was on fire once again! After I graduated, I came back home to LA and landed my first professional teaching job. I walked right into the school office and was hired on the spot! Did you hear that?!…On the Spot! – Prayer- Faith – Results. Again, I was on fire! God and I had a powerful relationship and honey I was movin’ and groovin’ in my life and in the things of God. I saw that my talents and hard work was being rewarded.
While teaching full time I began to step out on faith and utilize other talents I had. I took leaps of faith as I pursued my career path as a playwright, director, producer, and cable talk show host. I faced many challenges but every time my “hard work” and “talent” was rewarded. All I kept doing was working my “faith formula” – Prayer-Faith-Results and God would do the rest. Once again I was on Fire! I had doors of opportunities just opening all around me…producing two musicals and a drama, producing and hosting a cable talk show for teens, teaching acting to after-school programs, and creating my ideal world! “Aint’ no stoppin’ me now!”
Then abruptly, the faith honeymoon ended and the breakdowns poured in all around me. My teaching contract was not renewed, so I had no job. (God’s nudging I ignored) I facilitated a performing arts camp in the summer, but after that I didn’t work for six months. But I had to keep “the faith” so I just looked for another “job” that would give me security. I questioned my obedience, my talents, my hard work, and my “faith formula” – I didn’t understand what happened and why was this happening to me!…I loved God and served him with diligence.
I got another job with a large non-profit organization. What I said would just be a “lay over” lasted for twelve years! At first, it was great because I needed a job, but the itching in my soul was pushing me to do more – to step out on faith, but I let fear have its’ way, and I ignored the tugging at my soul. Then as a result of my “hard work” and prayers things were turning around in my favor. I was offered part time teaching assignments at the college level. Awesome! I’m in the zone again! I’m working my “faith formula.” As I taught at four different colleges I grew weary of my full time job. I got the nudge to leave, but telling myself it was bad financial timing, I stayed put. Four promotions later, there was a huge weight on my heart to leave. Falling into a depression, I was completely miserable at work. I desperately wanted to leave but couldn’t see how to fit it into the path I was on. Although God had given me the supernatural opportunities to produce my stage productions the high expectations I desired didn’t show up, so I fell hopeless. I called on God to show me the way – to come and rescue me. But he didn’t show up…at least not how I wanted him to. Where was my faith?
My full time job financed everything in my life and supported the development of my theatre company, and later my non-profit. My new endeavors had yet to result in much money and leaving now seemed crazy. So I ignored the obvious in my spirit (which was God showing up to rescue me) and stayed stuck in my job. As years passed I stopped creating and simply existed. Each morning I rolled out of bed with despair. I got so pitiful that I wore the same pair of black pants to work everyday. Everything had come to a halt. But why? I was still believing and having faith, but I was in such a dry place that I doubted everything I once believed. The “faith” light that once brightened my soul was dark and gloomy. I wandered if maybe my dreams were just foolish.
My prayer was to leave my full time job to pursue my heart’s desire to encourage, inspire and transform people’s lives through live theatrical productions, speaking and coaching, missionary work, and producing empowerment conferences. On the day I received my fifth promotion as Senior Manager of Youth Development, I just knew God had abandoned me. Fighting back the tears I pretended to be elated and accepted the new position and salary. I cried hysterically on the drive home. Nothing I really wanted was happening for me. At home I fell on my face. I cried to God pleading my case reminding him of all the times I’d asked, believed, and then got an answer beyond my expectations. Was I doing something wrong? I had come to the end of myself and unknowingly the beginning – the awakening – of who I really was.
A great wave of transitions took place in my life to get me to the next level of transformation. Reflecting on my life and taking in the lessons brought to my mind and modeled by my experiences, the light switch was turned back on. I wasn’t able to benefit from the prosperity that faith brings because I was operating in fear. I was ignoring the nudges, the call to be obedient to the power within. What I realized by dissecting the example God was providing for me was that I was trying to force prosperity through my “talents” and “hard work” and not operating in my gifts, the place of anointing. My talent was keeping me small and boxed into specific opportunities and when those opportunities dried up, I was left empty. My heart was telling me to step out on faith, but I stayed in a place of disobedience to my greater being. My greater being wanted desperately to be unleashed from the chains of my talents and accept the obedience to the call on my life – But it required a new level of faith! Greater than anything I had experienced.
Ironically, I was fired from my job; not because of my work performance, but because I had disclosed a relationship I was having with another employee. Once the relationship turned bad, false accusations started to be made against me and it ultimately lead to my termination. Although the Human Resources team were saddened to have to make the decision to let me go, I was relieved. God showed up to rescue me!
Out of that termination I stepped into my non-profit and production company full time. My coaching and training business was birthed and other creative endeavors that brought me prosperity in peace, joy, fulfillment, and most importantly spiritual being. I no longer look for my talents to prosper me but I listen to the spirit within me – my gift – and obey what it is telling me to create. I am free from title, I do only what I am being guided to do even when it goes against what seems logical to the natural eye.
I stay in alignment with my purpose and the original calling I declared years ago sitting next to my grandmother. I am a missionary inspiring, touching and helping others transform their lives through live performances, transformational speaking and creative engagements all designed to share the love of God.
The faith to walk in obedience to the call of our spirit is the key to unlock every bit of greatness we have inside.